Loss

          Last night, I received word that my uncle had passed away after an almost 3 year battle with kidney cancer. While we knew he didn't have much time left, his passing has still hit me hard. I am however, grateful for the time I was able to spend with him during his last years. There was the wonderful week I spent with him in Seattle a few months after his initial diagnosis. We weren't able to do as much as we would have liked, due to inclement weather and the effects that the chemo had on him, but I just enjoyed spending the time with him. One of the things I'll never forget is going to the Glass Museum in Tacoma. It wasn't really his thing, but he went because he thought it would be something I'd enjoy. Knowing that, I insisted on paying for our admission. I had to block my uncle from the register so that he wouldn't pay, he wanted to pay for everything for me while I was visiting. In my at that point 27 years of living, that was the first, and only, time my uncle called me by my full name. Another thing I learned at the Glass Museum was that my uncle did not like noted glass artist Dale Chihuly. He never said why, other than that he thought the guy was a jerk. This was one of those things that made me feel connected to my uncle, as I have also been known to not like someone for any number of unknown reasons.

           The last time I got to see him in person was this past summer. I saw him once in June, just prior to the passing of my grandfather, my uncle's father. My uncle had lost weight, and the rest of his hair, since I had last seen him 6 months prior. By this point the cancer had spread, with doctors removing a tumor from his brain at one point. His personality hadn't changed though. He was still quick with a joke or a smartass remark, another trait that I have from the paternal side of my family. About a week after that visit, my grandfather passed. The funeral was in July and this would be the last time I saw my uncle. He had lost even more weight in the few weeks that had passed since he was in Florida. I spent quite a bit of time with my uncle that weekend. He had rented a car to get around while he was there, so anywhere we had to go, I drove with him. We talked about the town we had both grown up in. We talked about how he was doing, which was major because it's not something we had ever really talked about. After the service for my grandfather, we drove out to visit my dad's grave. I hadn't been there in almost 3 years. As we were leaving, I broke down. And my uncle held me, he just let me cry. In the 4 years since my dad had passed, that was the first time I had been able to really let out how I was feeling. I tried to put it into words, but I don't know if I was able to truly convey to my uncle how much that meant to me. When it was time to fly back home after the funeral, my aunts, cousin, and I started crying again, knowing that this could be the last time we saw my uncle. Due to weather issues and flight delays, I was able to see him at the airport. I had been so upset about the flight delays and having to come back to Florida, but getting to see him that last time, I won't forget it.

         More than anything, I just want to convey how kind and caring he was. Everything he was going through with the cancer, and he was always concerned with how I was doing. I have had a rough few years, admittedly. My dad passed away suddenly almost 5 years ago, and for the past 3 years my mom has been raising my nephews, which I have had to help with. This has forced me to put my life on hold, but I know it's the right thing to do. I do feel resentment, to say the least, towards my brother. He refuses to grow up and take care of his kids. And my uncle, despite dying of cancer, would always say how he felt bad for everything I was going through. That I didn't deserve to have to be dealing with what I have to put up with.

           Today has been rough for me. I miss my uncle dearly, but, I know he's not in pain anymore. And I do draw comfort from that.
           

new year!

        Well, it's day one of the new year. For the most part, so far so good on keeping with the resolutions I have made. That may not seem that impressive, but I usually don't even make resolutions since I break them within hours of making them. So what have I done to keep my resolutions?
          First, I cleaned my room. I got rid of clothing that was too big, was worn be on repair, or I just no longer needed. That being said, I still have a completely full closet and an almost full dresser. I may have to see what I can do to condense further. Another great thing about cleaning was all the I found. I am forever just setting change down and forgetting it. So as I was cleaning today I found almost $3 in change today! Might not seem like much, but it adds up.
          Another resolution I've kept is eating healthy. This shouldn't be too hard as I have been working on eating healthier for the past few months. I've done pretty good losing weight and I don't plan on putting it back on. The other aspect of being healthy is working out. Unfortunately, it's been raining all day so that put a damper on getting my 3 miles in.
          Lastly, I haven't left the house all day. Which means I haven't had to go out and risk the temptation of spending money. I will spend a little on Friday going out for dinner with coworkers, but I have a gift certificate to the restaurant we are going to (thanks Belinda and Jim!), so I should only have to spend a few dollars out of pocket.
         Hopefully I will continue to stick with my resolutions. If I do, this will definitely make my goals for the year attainable. This will be my year!
 

  Another year over and I'm ready for some change. I just turned 30 last week and I'm still living close to the same life I was living 12 years ago (except I work full-time instead of part-time).  I think spending time with old friends over the past few weeks and seeing and hearing all the amazing things they are doing just made me realize how unhappy I am with my own life. I've decided this is going to be my year. I'm going to lose those last 20 lbs., I'm going to build up my savings, and I'm going to get the hell out of Jacksonville.
     That last one might be where I find the most resistance. I'm currently living with my mom and helping her raise my nephews. I love all three of them, but I'm not happy in Jacksonville. As we moved here when I was 13, I obviously had no say in the matter. I think because of that, I've never felt like this was home. It just feels like an overextended stop-over. Part of me wants to move back to Michigan, but I'm aware that the economy is worse there than in other parts of the country. I think to get the most out of my political science degree I'm working towards, Virginia is where I need to be. Northern Virginia to be exact.
     As for my other two goals, I think those will be easier. I'm paranoid about putting back on any of the weight I've already lost, so that helps me with keeping my eating under control. I've also slowly started to incorporate jogging into my walks. As for saving, I'm going to participate in the Compact. For those who don't know, the Compact is where you don't buy anything new (with a few exceptions). I plan on trying to keep my purchases limited to cash I have on hand (resist the debit card!) and any change I have at the end of the day will go in my coke bottle bank.
     Actually, I'm going to add one more goal for the new year. Find a new job. I've been working at the same place for 14 years now and I'm beyond over it. Upper management and the corporate management act like this place is the only thing that matters, and oh how wrong they are. Realistically, I'd like to find something new before I have to start taking vacation time. That way, they'll have to pay me for any vacation time I have left. Which would be roughly 150 hours. That would be a very nice going away present.